Moving For a Cheating Boyfriend After Graduating: Christy Whitman
My guest for Episode #63 is Christy Whitman, a Transformational Leader, Celebrity Coach and Law of Attraction expert, as well as the two-time New York Times bestselling author of The Art of Having It All and Taming Your Alpha Bitch. She is also the author of the international bestseller Quantum Success. Her new book The Desire Factor: How to Embrace Your Materialistic Nature to Reclaim Your Full Spiritual Power is available now.
Today, Christy and Mark talk about topics including:
- How did a new friendship point your career in a new direction?
- “A life of no excuses” — acknowledging mistakes means no excuses? Learning without beating yourself up?
- What is an “hyper-aggressive alpha bitch” and why is that, being that, a mistake for women?
- Why “watch your words“?
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- Full transcript
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Automated Transcript (Likely Contains Mistakes)
Mark Graban (0s):
Episode 63, Christy Whitman, New York Times bestselling author.
Christy Whitman (5s):
I found myself, you know, accomplishing everything I set out to accomplish, but I wasn't happy.
Mark Graban (14s):
I'm Mark Graban. This is My Favorite Mistake. In this podcast, you'll hear business leaders and other really interesting people talking about their favorite mistakes because we all make mistakes. But what matters is learning from our mistakes instead of repeating them over and over again. So this is the place for honest reflection and conversation, personal growth and professional success. Visit our website at myfavoritemistakepodcast.com. For show notes, including links to Christy's website and her books, tou can go to MarkGraban.com/mistake63, please subscribe, rate, and review. And now on with the show, our guest today is Christy Whitman.
Mark Graban (58s):
She is a transformational leader. She's a celebrity coach. She is author of many books, including being a two time New York times bestselling author of the book, the books, The Art of Having it All and Taming Your Alpha Bitch. She's also the author of the international best seller Quantum Success and her next book, The Desire Factor, is going to be released in April 2021. You can pre-order it today and you'll learn more about that. At the end of the episode, Christy has appeared on the Today Show, the Morning show, and the Hallmark Channel. She's been a TEDx speaker. So thank you for coming on with a little podcast. It's not quite the Today Show, but thank you.
Christy Whitman (1m 38s):
Thank you for having me, Mark. I'm excited to be with you.
Mark Graban (1m 42s):
I saw some video. I mean, you were on set. That must have been an exciting experience
Christy Whitman (1m 47s):
On set of, of the Hallmark. Oh, the Today Show. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, it was, it was a big experience because this is several years ago. I had lots of BD experience, but never nationally and never live. So I felt my foot kicking in nervousness and all of a sudden I had to like calm my body down as we went live. So it was, it was fun. It was a unique experience.
Mark Graban (2m 10s):
I'm excited. You know, we have a lot to talk about today, but Christy, if it's all right, maybe I'll just jump right in. I usually do. I don't know why I'm apologizing for this, but what, what is your favorite mistake?
Christy Whitman (2m 22s):
Well, I have many, but my first, my, my biggest one is that when I moved to Chicago, after I graduated college, I found myself, you know, accomplishing everything I set out to accomplish, but I wasn't happy. And I met a guy who was working for the company that I was working for. He lived in California, I lived in Chicago. So we were doing a long distance thing and I decided to move to California for him. So we could develop a deeper relationship. And within less than a month of moving there, I found out that he was a cheater, this kind of thing. And so I was there in Northern California.
Christy Whitman (3m 4s):
I had no friends, no support team, nobody, I didn't know anybody. And here was this guy that I had moved to Northern California for. And so that was such a mistake. And yet that's when I met a girlfriend of a friend of his, who was a hairdresser and hairstylist. And when I got my hair cut from her, that's what led me on this path 25 years ago, because she had this effervescent joy about her. She ha she was so different than anybody I'd ever met. And I finally just asked her, I said, what do you do? And she told me, I meditate. And I thought at that point in my life, I never knew anybody that meditated.
Christy Whitman (3m 46s):
I thought, Oh, meditated, you know, percent meditates is like a guru sitting on top of a mountain top, somewhere with a long beard, right. Oming and a Yogi position. I mean, that's what my filter was for someone that meditated and that conversation. And she introduced me to her meditation teacher that whole completely changed my life. So that was my best mistake I've ever made is moving to Northern California for a guy.
Mark Graban (4m 11s):
And I'm sorry that turned out that way, but I guess what makes it a favorite mistake? Is that something good came from it? This introduction? Not, not just to a new friend, but I guess to two new ways of looking at things as you've written about and talked about, I was wondering, you know, maybe if you could elaborate a little bit on, you know, what your initial career path was out of college, you described, you know, finding success, but not being happy. Why, why was that the case?
Christy Whitman (4m 40s):
Yeah, so I always knew I wanted to make my own money. My, you know, I came from a family that it was pretty dysfunctional. And when I would say to my mom, when my mom and dad would get in an argument, I'd say, well, why, why don't you leave him? Like my sister? And I would encourage her to get a divorce. And she's like, I can't, I don't have, how am I going to, you know, take care of myself. I don't have any money. And so for me at a young age, I knew I wanted to make my own money. And so for me, it was about getting into sales and marketing because that's what I was told from the successful people around my mom and dad that said, Oh, you need to do sales and marketing. So I went to college for a marketing business degree, ended up getting an orange organizational communication degree.
Christy Whitman (5m 22s):
And, but I did get a job. My very first job out of college was I worked for a liquor company and boy did I have fun as a 22, 23 year old, you know, going around the city of Chicago, having to go to bars and restaurants and hotels, meeting managers, throwing par Seagrums parties, you know, doing these kinds of things. And then I quickly got promoted by one of the suppliers for the liquor company, which was a wine company. So my job was literally to meet the managers and owners and F and B managers of all these different, you know, amazing hotels and restaurants and bars and go and eat there on the company's dime. So I always say, I ate my way through Chicago, right.
Christy Whitman (6m 2s):
Ate and drank my way through Chicago. And so, but I, I, it succeeded, you know, I got promoted very quickly. I was very young. I was 24 and I had literally the whole region of the Midwest for this wine supplier. And so a lot of success, a lot of recognition, a lot of accolades, but I just did not feel fulfilled. I was empty inside and I felt like, wow, is this really all there is, you know, I, I have accomplished so much. I went to college, I got a degree, I've got a high paying job. I've got money in the bank. I've got health in my body, you know, but, and I was at one point engaged and broke off my engagement, you know? So it's like, why am I not happy?
Christy Whitman (6m 43s):
And it's just, I didn't have an inner connection, but more importantly, my mindset. And this is what literally shifted my life. When I met my meditation teacher is that I was so in lack and limitation, my mindset was focused on, it's never enough. It's not good enough. I didn't do enough and make enough. I'm not enough. I was very critical in my thinking, very judgmental, not only about myself, but everybody around me, God universe, you know, I was like in a boxing ring with God. And if you're having that going on inside of you, it's just that no matter what, what you accomplished and what are, what you create, it's, if that's happening internally, you're never going to feel good.
Christy Whitman (7m 24s):
And, and that's what was happening with me.
Mark Graban (7m 27s):
And so then how did meditation affect you personally? And then from a professional standpoint that got you pointed in a different direction that it sounds like has been much more fulfilling.
Christy Whitman (7m 39s):
Yes. Well, so I, I transitioned into meditation, but why it was so impactful for me is not just the act of meditation. Yes. But it was the energy that I was shifting into. And so one of the things, when I first walked into this meditation teacher's house with Klinky, clinky music and incense and candles and, you know, statues, and I was like, what am I doing? I was, this was not my normal place of going. Right. We, we didn't sit on a chair. We sat on the ground on a cushy, you know, cushy little thing. And, and the first thing she said to me was you create your own reality. And this is 25 years ago, right. This, we didn't have internet, we didn't have the secret and all these other, you know, personal development people out there.
Christy Whitman (8m 23s):
I think Tony Robbins was probably out there somewhere, but I certainly didn't know of him. Right. So self-development personal development and hearing the words, you create your own reality. Something just opened up in me and I was like, that's true. But then I went, how, and she continued further that your thoughts are creative. You're either repelling things from you or attracting things to you based on the way you think. And I thought, wait, I think, you know, the way I think is how I think. I mean, how can someone change that? I mean, I knew I could change my mind. I don't want to wear this. I want to wear this. I don't want to go here. I want to go there. But my thoughts, like, what do you mean? How could I, how could I actually change my thoughts?
Christy Whitman (9m 5s):
And that was her assignment to me. She said to me, go home for a week and just pay attention. Don't try to change them. Just pay attention to your thoughts, be the witness to your thoughts. And that's the first time I ever did that and went, Oh my God, I am so mean. I'm so mean to myself. And I remember saying to my best friend who I've known since seventh grade, I told her, I said, Dawn, I am so judgemental and critical. And she goes, Chris, she's laughed out loud. She goes, Christy you. And the most positive people I know. And I'm like, well, I don't know what happens between here and here, but inside here, it, it, I mean, I'm in a boxing ring with myself and it does, and I'm not winning, you know?
Christy Whitman (9m 49s):
And so, so I was practicing learning how to change my thoughts and understanding about what makes up a lack mentality versus an abundant mentality. And all the while when I moved to, I did a lateral move from Chicago to California and I was working for the wine company. And then I got recruited from Pepsi-Cola. So I was a manager, a marketing manager for Pepsi-Cola in the Sacramento area. And from there, I then became a pharmaceutical rep. And what's interesting is I always wanted to be a pharmaceutical rep cause they made a lot of money, right. So I was very driven by money. Well, here I am making great money as a pharmaceutical rep.
Christy Whitman (10m 29s):
And I found myself in that place again, where I'm like, okay, I'm empty here. I don't have passion and I don't have purpose. I could go out and sell more medications, but really what's the purpose. And I felt totally out of integrity because if I get a headache, I put peppermint oil on my head, you know, I don't even take an aspirin. And so here I was, you know, pushing medication for stuff. And so I really got that. What I had understood and learned about energy and everything is that if I'm feeling a lack, if I'm feeling I'm missing something energetically, there's the fulfillment of that. And in order to create the form of that and the experience of it, I have to feel what I feel is missing.
Christy Whitman (11m 10s):
So for me, it was passion and purpose. So I continued to having that awareness feel what pain on purpose would feel like having passion would feel like without knowing what the form would take. And then one night in the middle of the night, my first book downloaded through me. I literally got woken up at one Oh five in the morning with this voice talking to me, I got up put hand to hand, you know, pen to paper and just started writing. And it was like, my hand was completely not my own, just downloading information. And this happened seven nights in a row. And I got I fast forward. I got the book published. I started speaking in spiritual bookstores and churches on the subject.
Christy Whitman (11m 52s):
And people started asking me to coach them. Now, Mark, this is 20 years ago. I didn't know about life coaching. And I thought, are you serious? There life, there are people that make money as life coaches, like people pay people to do that. And so I would have people call me on the phone and I would walk them through the energy and I would shift them their perspective and help them, you know, really change the direction, their focus. And then they would call me back going, Oh my gosh, I got the promotion. Or I met him where, you know, I got out of debt or these incredible things that happened very fast. And I loved, I was so passionate about doing that entire process. And I felt so on purpose that I continued to just follow that.
Christy Whitman (12m 33s):
And so 14 years ago I left corporate America. I ended up as a sales training manager for a biotech company. And I ended up quitting my day job and went full-time in my coaching and I haven't looked back since.
Mark Graban (12m 46s):
Wow. And, and I don't, I didn't put it into my notes. Remind me, tell the audience the title of that first book. Perfect pictures. Perfect picture. Yeah. That's right. So yeah, you finally found it sound like you were looking for something different in slightly different areas. Like, forget it. I mean, this is only half jokingly moving from one drug to another, from alcohol to sugar, sugary water to pharmaceuticals. And I guess that was, those experiences were more similar than they were different. And you eventually decided to go out on your own.
Christy Whitman (13m 24s):
Yes. Yeah. I felt, I mean, I, that's one thing I'm so grateful for is that whenever I'm doing an interview or I'm working with a client or teaching a class or writing whatever I'm doing, it's like I'm fully on purpose. And I am passionate about what I do. That's great.
Mark Graban (13m 39s):
So there was one phrase, it was on your website, caught my attention. You talked about a life of no excuses. So I was wondering if you could share your thoughts on like, how do we find the balance of acknowledging mistakes without making excuses? You know, how do we learn? How do we look backward and learn without beating ourselves up? What, what are your thoughts about that? As people evaluate their own favorite mistakes that might be in their head right now?
Christy Whitman (14m 5s):
That's a great question. I appreciate that question because you know, we all do make mistakes, right. But, b, t I like to, I don't like, I don't like to think of them as mistakes in the sense that it's all a contrast. You know, there's, the contrast happens where we make a decision. We ha we make a choice based on where we are in consciousness. What we think is available to us, that you understanding awareness that we have at the time that we make that choice. And we might look back and go, well, that was a mistake, right? It's like, well, that taught me something. I learned something I grew, I expanded because of that. Right. And that's the perspective that I hold. The other perspective is I made a mistake and it's because of that mistake that I've ruined my life, that I can't be successful, that I can't have the love of my life, that I can't find a new partner that I can't lose the weight.
Christy Whitman (14m 57s):
And we use the, the decisions that we've made in the past from the point of choice that we had, the consciousness that we have with the awareness that we had at that time to be the excuse for why we can't live fully now. Right. So it's a different perspective looking at it as you know, this is where I was, then this is what was happening. This is what I created, because that's where I was. And, but what, what I got from that is that I didn't want to be in that marriage and be with this type of person, I got a divorce. And then I chose to be in a different relationship with a very different kind of person. Right. So someone could look at that and go, well, the mistake was, you got married in the first place to that person.
Christy Whitman (15m 40s):
Or the mistake was that you got married and that you got a divorce. Right.
Mark Graban (15m 44s):
But that shouldn't be an excuse to not try again.
Christy Whitman (15m 46s):
Exactly. So anything, I feel like anything that stops us, limits us from our greatness, from taking our now moments and creating a future that we want based on something that has happened in the past, that's using those quote unquote mistakes or those decision points as an excuse, rather than a stepping stone. Sorry, go ahead.
Mark Graban (16m 10s):
Yeah. And that's what this show is really about is using past mistakes as a stepping stone, if it hasn't already happened, right. And sharing those stories and you know, I've, I've gotten feedback from listeners to say it ends up being, it ends up being uplifting. You think, well, why do I want to listen to a show? Why would I listen to a show about mistakes? But you know, every guest has their, their turnaround or the redemption story of bouncing back from a mistake as, as you described Christy. So before we talk about the desire factor, the book that's coming out in April, I want to go back to the other title. And my, my wife and I were watching there's this Netflix series about the history of swear words.
Mark Graban (16m 53s):
I don't know if you've seen this. And so the word there's a whole episode about the word bitch. And so I got to watch this. I like it. Yeah. And so I'm like given the context, it's not a word that's part of my normal vocabulary. And I feel sensitive as a man saying the word, but it's the title of the book. So I'm going to just spit it out. Taming your alphabet. What, from your perspective, I mean, what is an alpha bitch or in the description of the book, it talks about quote unquote hyper aggressive, alpha bitches. What, what, what is that and is, is, is having that sort of persona a mistake for career women?
Christy Whitman (17m 32s):
Yes. Because most women learned how to model our success formula over men. And when men are super aggressive or they're, you know, they're competitive, you know, when they, when they do these kinds of things, that's okay for a man it's like, it's acceptable for a, when a woman does it, she's now termed a bitch. Right? And we, we try to, as a female, try to live life or try to succeed, especially in careers, in a very masculine way. And it, and it doesn't feel good. And yet women are judged for that instead of being in a very different type of power instead of being in a place of competition, being collaboration and inspiration, instead of being controlling, which comes from fear, which comes from lack, really coming from a place of feeling your empowerment and the possibilities and feeling your abundance.
Christy Whitman (18m 25s):
So, you know, it's, it's a big shift for women, especially for really, for men to, you know, to, to come from this very old, you know, paradigm of what success looks like by bullying power over power under, you know, kind of doing drama and, and doing that kind of thing where you're controlling the situation instead of really leading from your heart and coming from the divine part of you. And so that book was, was co-written with another author named her, her name is Rebecca grotto, and she's a therapist. She's been a therapist for almost 35 years and being a coach myself, it was a, it was a combination of seeing women that come in, both the therapy and coaching that are having issues.
Christy Whitman (19m 10s):
And what was they're bumping up against is the fact that they're being hyper aggressive, that they're being super competitive and it never leads to the desire that they want and the outcome that they want in the first place. And we're termed being a bit
Mark Graban (19m 24s):
There's that unfortunate and apparent double standard in those behaviors. And yeah, I mean, my, my wife is, you know, a senior executive in a company that has traditionally been male dominated. So she's certainly had to navigate that as, as an accomplished career woman. How do you stay true to yourself? How do you, how do you fit in, how do you navigate that? Maybe I'll have her as a guest sometime.
Christy Whitman (19m 56s):
Yeah. There you go. Yeah. It's, you know, it is, it's a matter of understanding that the paradigms that we learned from, and, and who grew, you know, we, we saw being successful sometimes that modeling isn't the best for our own souls and our own, you know, experience of expansion, right?
Mark Graban (20m 15s):
Yes. Yeah. And I think she would say if she was sitting here that, you know, I think she's navigated that well, in terms of having her authentic feeling leadership style. I mean, you know, we've, we've talked about this over dinner conversations over this, so I appreciate how she's navigated that, but, you know, that's, you know, the, the perspective I think I've received of, you know, it's kind of, yeah. Not, not having to deal with that personally. I appreciate having learned from her. Yeah. What that's like in the workplace. So the upcoming book, the desire factor, I always like to ask authors, you know, the story behind the book, you've written a couple of books already did this one also just come to you or, you know, what was the, the origin story for the desire factor?
Christy Whitman (21m 1s):
Yeah. I, I don't, I'm not the kind of person or kind of author that just go, Hey, I have an idea for a book. Let me just go write the book. It literally downpours through me. It channels through me. And so this was one where I was on a cruise ship. A lot of times it's always on a cruise ship. I was on a cruise ship and I got this, just download of how, how come people think that some desires are okay to go for, but others are not. And what sparked this is because I was on a cruise ship. I had just gone to Venice and I had wanted to buy a high-end purse. Right. And this purse really, I was excited about it because it was a symbol of my success because years prior, when I went to Venice, I just started my business.
Christy Whitman (21m 46s):
And there was no way I could have went into any of these stores. It would have been completely stupid to do that, you know, to, to buy a $3,000 purse, right. When I was just starting out my business. And so I declared that someday, I'm going to come back to Venice and I'm going to be so successful that I can walk into any store that I want and buy this person I want. And here I was, I had that experience. I went to Venice with my husband. It was a shopping day. You know, when in and out of do Dolce and Gabbana and Fendi and Louis Vuitton and Chanel and all these different stores until I find that one purse that really spoke to me through, from Dolce and Gabbana. And I was looking at this purse going, this is like a symbol of success.
Christy Whitman (22m 28s):
This is not only this desire, it's who I became in the process of attaining this desire. But then it came through, but some would say that's materialistic. Some would say, Oh, that desire is not a good desire. You should desire for world peace. You should desire for, you know, equality. That's where you're focusing. Your attention should be on that kind of desire. Cause that's a noble desire wanting a purse or wanting success in a business or wanting more money or wanting a bigger house. These are things are materialistic and, and therefore that's not a good desire. And that's, there's all this information started downloading through me that everything in our physical universe, it's material, but what's under the material is spiritual.
Christy Whitman (23m 14s):
You cannot have a human experience without it not being a spiritual experience. It's both. And, and so whether we have a desire for a high-end purse or to create a company or to have a baby, or to get married or to get a divorce or to travel somewhere, all of it is for the expansiveness of who we are. And the human being gets to wear the purse or go on the trip or spend the money or live in the house. But we talk ourselves out of desires. We've we get this idea and we feel this expansiveness of desire. And the, how many times did we go, but who am I to do that? Oh, I don't know how to do that.
Christy Whitman (23m 55s):
Oh, someone probably already did that. Right. And we stopped. We stopped the desire.
Mark Graban (24m 0s):
Well that's earlier you were saying you were kind of boxing with yourself, is that I think the phrase that you use in a couple of cases, somebody may be doing that or wanting something, then feeling guilty about it and agonizing and going back and forth. That's some, sometimes that inner monologue might be happening. You might be judging yourself if somebody is not externally judging you for the fancy purse. Right.
Christy Whitman (24m 23s):
Right. Exactly. And we, we don't realize that when we get these desires, when we get these ideas, they come from a higher source. But if we squash them, we don't flow with them. Then we miss out on the expansive expansiveness that's available for us.
Mark Graban (24m 41s):
Yeah. I mean, you're triggering for me, some memories of, you know, I've had an opportunity to go to Venice and, you know, in Italy they're known for, you know, leather craftsmanship, and I can picture really vividly buying. And it wasn't Dolce and Gabbana expensive, but a leather belt and a leather coat. And like, to me, it's more than the coat. Like those items are, you know, or provide memories of a great experience. So in a way it's more than the physical item itself, it sort of represents the ability to travel and to support a local craftsman or however you might put it.
Mark Graban (25m 24s):
It's not just holding up my pants.
Christy Whitman (25m 26s):
Yes, exactly. So it's beyond the functionality. Yeah,
Mark Graban (25m 31s):
Sure, sure. Yeah. So that book is coming out in April and again, our guest is Christy Whitman. Can you tell the audience what they get and how for one, how they can pre-order the book today and what kind of special offers that you have related to it?
Christy Whitman (25m 51s):
Yes. Thank you for that Mark. So you can go to thedesirefactor.com, thedesire actor.com. And you can, pre-order the book, it comes out in April, but when you pre-order the book why you'd want to do that is because immediately you get three amazing processes that will help you start flowing and aligning with your desires today. So that any resistance of your desires is out of there so that you're in complete vibrational alignment with it. And then when the book does come out in may we start a four week live coaching session on all the different principles in the book. And so that's a $900 value for buying a less than $15 book.
Mark Graban (26m 31s):
Wow. And the books website is
Christy Whitman (26m 35s):
Mark Graban (26m 37s):
The desire factor.com. And you can learn more about Christy and her background and all of the books and projects at christywhitman.com. It's C H R I S T Y whitman.com. And there'll be a link to that in the show notes and description. And then one other kind of final question. There was another project of yours that caught my interest, and there's a website. Watchyourwords.com. So maybe final, final question here. Can, I think you've alluded to it earlier, when you think about words that are in your head in terms of internal monologue, but you know, why is it so important for us to all be careful with, or to watch our words?
Christy Whitman (27m 20s):
Well, our words have creative power. And when you think about a word, it literally starts the creation process, like words are like wands, right? So w when you think about a thought, thoughts are a series of words. When you think about a belief, a belief is thoughts that have been thought over and over and over again, until it gets cemented in as a belief. And we create from our beliefs and from those beliefs, from that perspective, it creates our emotions. It creates the actions we take or don't so everything, everything in our consciousness starts with the word. And so, yes, watch your words. I would get asked all the time, cause I talk about very esoteric, spiritual, you know, universal law principles, and people would ask me in interviews, how do you practically do that?
Christy Whitman (28m 3s):
Like, what's a practical example of how you can align more with what you want and less of what you don't. And I say, you have to watch your words. So I created a free video series. It's a 30 day video program. The videos are anywhere from two to four minutes per day, and you get what word to avoid saying why and what to say instead. And it's a very powerful process because there are words and phrases we use all day every day. And we don't realize how it's just pulling down our energy.
Mark Graban (28m 33s):
Well, I think that's something worth, I, I took look at it. I will dig deeper into that because that sounds like that would be very helpful. So again, our guest has been Christy Whitman. Christy, congratulations on the near launch of the book and thank you for making those different offers available. And thank you for being a guest here today.
Christy Whitman (28m 51s):
Thank you so much for having me and all that you're doing in the world to shift the perspective on mistakes. Thank you
Mark Graban (28m 58s):
Again, big, thanks to Christy Whitman for being our guest today. If you want to learn more about her, you can find links to her website and her books, including her latest by going to MarkGraban.com/mistake63. And I hope this podcast inspires you to reflect on your own mistakes, how you can learn from them or turn them into a positive I've had listeners tell me they've started being more open and honest about mistakes and their work. And they're trying to create a workplace culture where it's safe to speak up about problems because that leads to more improvement and better business results. If you have feedback or a story to share, you can email me email@example.com.
Mark Graban (29m 39s):
And again, our website is myfavoritemistakepodcast.com.